I recently had the opportunity of corresponding with “Roger,” a successful Borderlands member. Following is an edited version of our email exchanges with names and details changed to protect identities.

Initial Contact Message

Hi, my name is Roger. I am a lifelong member of the LDS Church. I have read most of your Borderland columns and have really appreciated what you have to say. I think I’m in the Borderlands myself and thought my experiences might be useful to others.

I am thirty-nine years old now, but I started being active in the Church when I was about thirteen years old. I went on a Spanish-speaking mission when I was twenty-one, which I really loved. I got married in the temple about fifteen years ago to someone I care deeply about, and we have four children. We stayed in Utah for the first few years after our marriage and have since lived in several locations outside Utah. Because of my job we currently live in Mexico near the U.S. border.

About two years ago, I had my first “faith crisis,” when my then-active-in-the-church father-in-law (one of the few spiritual guides I had after I got married) suddenly came out to the family as an atheist. This caused me to be curious about Church practices/doctrine/history.

While digging around, I came across Sunstone and your Borderland articles. Your column about the borderland bishop was especially helpful for me at the time.¹ I decided then that I could stay with the Church, but I stopped believing or even hoping that it was perfect. I also concluded that there were probably multiple ways to get to “heaven”—not just by being a member of the LDS Church, getting married in the temple, and enduring to the end.

Despite this, my second “faith crisis” came a little more than a year ago. The catalyst was my wife, Ashley, who was also shocked by her father’s atheism and had begun questioning her own Mormonism. At one point, she told me that she wanted to try drinking a little wine. This devastated me at first. It was such a paradigm shift. I had believed that I would have a linear life with her, and it forced me to briefly rethink my relationship with her. But soon I started thinking about how we could work together.

Ashley and I have had many conversations since and, fortunately, it has actually brought us closer. Interestingly, she still has a testimony about some things in the Church, but doesn’t believe in certain other things. It seems crazy that we didn’t talk more about this during her faith crisis in the first year. I suspect we are not the only couple with this kind of experience.

I took some deep dives into Church history and was fascinated by how much it has changed depending on the time and who the prophet was. That led me to question a lot of things. Is there a chance the Church is not led by a prophet? What does being a prophet mean? What the heck actually happened with Joseph Smith? Was he inspired or was he just deluding himself? Is the Book of Mormon a factual history of early America? Is there a better church to go to? Is Christ the actual Son of God?

Through meditation, prayer, and reading (both scriptural and worldly sources), I have been blessed with some good feelings that God is there and that he cares about me. I also listened to your interview on the Sunstone Podcast from 2019.² It was exactly what I needed to hear.

So, right now, I don’t want to leave the LDS Church. It is part of my heritage, my wife and kids are a part of it, and I know what to expect. And truthfully, finding a church that my wife and I would agree on sounds kind of hard. I think it is important to look at the LDS church as a whole—the good and the bad. It provides many good principles for how to live and be happy, and it provides a lot of blessings for many people. However, I don’t think I can ever view the Church the same as I did before.

The funny thing is, since Ashley had her faith transition a while back, she isn’t changing much right now. The real changes going on are in me. For the past few years, I was the anchor of attending church, being obedient, etc., and she went along with it. But now we’ve changed sides and she’s trying to reel me in a bit more.

Yes, we do have some light wine drinking on occasion, and I have been drinking tea for the past few months. (I don’t know if this is a forever thing or simply a rebellious phase.) I don’t stress as much about making it to church every week. I currently hold a temple recommend, but I have some concerns about getting it renewed. (Luckily the interview is not in the near future).

That’s about it for now. I am happy to answer any additional follow-up questions. Thank you again for the great work you do.

Following are my questions, in italics, with Roger’s answers. (Note again that details have been changed to protect identities.)

Why were you inactive until age thirteen? What caused you to become active?

My parents were both mostly inactive when they got married, and they didn’t get sealed in the temple until later. My sister and I felt compelled to go to church starting when I was about thirteen because of our now-active parents and some friends who attended church. I didn’t fully immerse myself until around sixteen years of age when I was ordained a priest.

It felt good to go to church. My parents were happy with it. Living in Utah, it was also where most of my friends were on Sunday. It was fun. Plus, I actually had some spiritual feelings that felt like they were directing me to attend. A great visit from our bishop at Christmas was also a factor.

Where did you serve your mission?

In Argentina, where I learned to speak Spanish. I had a good time and some success in converting people to Mormonism.

What are you doing in northern Mexico now?

I’ve worked in the finance department of a medical device company for the past ten years. We have a plant here. I enjoy my job and I get to use some Spanish from time to time.

Are you active in the Church?

Mostly. We go to a predominantly English-speaking ward attended mainly by U.S. citizens who work in the area. We were fully active in our earlier wards. I was actually in a bishopric in Arizona. Since moving to Mexico, we have been more relaxed about attending.

Is your wife active in the Church?

She goes most of the times I go, though there are instances where she decides to stay home. Due to her continued anxieties, church attendance is a little harder for her than for me.

Are your kids active?

They’re about as active as we are. I would say that the oldest two are both believers, but my oldest is especially fond of the church.

What are their ages?

Fourteen-year-old girl, twelve-year-old boy, eight-year-old girl, six-year-old girl.

Do the kids know of your and your wife’s issues with the Church?

Ashley has been up front with them about having a hard time attending church every week. We have also told them that there are many good things about the Church, but that it isn’t perfect. But I would say we have mostly shielded them from our recent changes. Ashley and I have talked about how we are still in transition and that we don’t know what the new normal will be yet. When we get to that point, I think I might want the kids to understand how we feel about most things. (I don’t think I’ll give them a blanket statement of everything I believe, only the things that are appropriate depending on age, etc.) We don’t want to jerk them around too much simply because we don’t know where we are going to land. We do teach our kids about the gospel and, most importantly, being a good Christian and treating others right.

What would you like for your kids in the future?

I want them to be happy. I hope they can believe in God and that they are God’s children. I want them to be contributors to society. I want them to be honest, happy, and successful.

How does your wife still have a testimony about some things?          

I’ve traditionally been the more commandment-following one, but she is all about “following my heart and being spiritual.” She is an avid scripture studier, especially the New Testament. From an intellectual standpoint, the temple and many of the doctrines still make sense to her. More importantly, she spent some time praying about whether she should be in the Church or not, and says she was told by God that “this is where you belong for now.” She is at peace with that.

How about other family members and close relatives? Where are they in all this?

Regarding my parents, who now live in Southern Utah, my mom is mostly active (still a believer; but COVID has changed her attendance, and she had never been fully immersed, anyway). My father is not very active, and is a poor communicator with me, so I don’t really know how much he still believes. Living so far away, discussing my issues with my parents is difficult. My sister, who lives in Alabama with her husband and four kids, is fully active. I have no other siblings. Ashley has her dad who is now an atheist, a mom who is appears to be a believer, and three sisters. Two are fully active in the Church and one is in and out, but mostly in. Of our aunts and uncles, about half are believers.

What callings do you and your wife have in the Church now?

Ashley has been a Sunday school substitute teacher for kids and I was a member of the Sunday school presidency until a couple of months ago, but I sometimes still teach when someone can’t be there.

Have you evaluated the value (or the potential loss of value) of your activity in the Church? Your friendships? Your callings?

We are close to only a few Church members here in Mexico, so I don’t think my church activity impacts my social life here. It’s an important part of my connection with the childhood friends I stay in contact with, though. But the longer I’m away from Utah, the less that matters. The place it has most impact is in my family. My fourteen-year-old daughter would be devastated if I left; she seems to love the Church. When I look at my father-in-law, his life has been stressed since he left the Church. He has mentioned that many people who leave are still looking for something to fill that gap. There would probably be a gap for me as well. For example, I enjoy studying the New Testament and sharing what I learn with our kids.

How well is living in the “Borderlands” working for you?

I think it’s working well. We’ve found a nice center place in which to live. I’m quite comfortable.

How do you typically deal with LDS issues you have doubts about?

I focus on Christian principles. I believe the teachings of Jesus really do help us become better people. And though I continue to have doubts about certain LDS scriptures as well as Church history, when I focus on the Church as a whole, I think the good it does is more than the bad. It teaches good Christian principles, e.g., love thy neighbor, serve others, etc.

How do you deal with the LDS scriptures?

My biggest questions are about the book of Abraham, but I won’t go into details. Of course, even the Bible leaves a bunch of question marks about its own origins. So, I focus on what these scriptures can teach about living well and being happy. When I read their teachings and feel the Spirit, it adds value to my life.

How did you handle the temple recommend questions, e.g., “Do you have a testimony of the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ?” 

Although I have always had a few doubts (e.g., is this the one-and-only true church?) my doubts and questions have significantly increased since my last recommend interview, so this is still a work in progress for me. I think most of us cannot honestly say we have a 100-precent testimony of the restored gospel. At this stage, if asked, I would state that “I believe it to be a true religion” or “I have hope it is true and do what I can to increase my understanding of the Restoration.” Later on, we are asked if we “strive to be honest in all we do,” so I think there is value in sharing this. If a bishop doesn’t like my answer, then I will have to cross that bridge. 

How do you deal with your doubting when you serve as a substitute Sunday school teacher?

I focus on helping folks develop a stronger faith in Christ. For example, rather than focusing on teaching that there was a flood with Noah, I can focus on the principles the flood story teaches.

How much do your ward members understand about how you feel about the gospel, Church history, etc.?

At this point only a few folks know how I feel. I am not here to create doubt in others’ minds. However, I recently shared with our two older kids that I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know if everything is correct. I also pointed out to my oldest that there are inconsistent things in Church history. She was shocked, for example, when she heard from a friend that Joseph Smith didn’t follow the Word of Wisdom as it is taught today. Isn’t it so much more beneficial to know these kinds of facts early on instead of learning as an adult? When the Church withholds information, I think it is a disservice to members and leads to more people leaving.

Thanks for sharing your experiences in the borderlands. I’m sure many will find your approaches and experiences helpful.

NOTES

1. D. Jeff Burton, “Mysterious Ways,” Sunstone 188, sunstone.org/braving-the-borderlands-mysterious-ways, accessed 9 March 2023.

2. “Episode 33: A History of the Faith Crisis: A Conversation with Jeff Burton,” Sunstone Podcast, 16 Sep. 2019, sunstone.org/episode-33-a-history-of-the-faith-crisis-a-conversation-with-jeff-burton, accessed 9 March 2023.