This column expands on a much earlier column that introduced the idea of creating an LDS-compatible personal religious model, something many seasoned and successful Borderlanders have found useful.
At the time, I was exchanging emails with a Borderlander I called “Jack.” He was a closet doubter but his emails could just as easily have come from someone in the LBGT community or from someone having some other faith crisis.
Jack: Okay, I’ve decided to try to stay with the Church, despite my doubts, reservations, and concerns. But I’m torn up inside because I can’t bring myself to “do all things,” to follow every church practice and procedure. I just don’t feel that compatible anymore. How can I make this work for me and yet stay active and acceptable?
Jeff: To successfully “stay active and acceptable,” it helps to create a suitable model for living—your own personal religion that is compatible with the LDS model. To do this, you have to carefully select appropriate and acceptable attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. It is also important to be honest with yourself and others as you make these changes. And you need to find new motivators.
In this column, which is adapted from my presentation at the 2016 Salt Lake Sunstone Symposium, I explore how you can apply this idea, and I suggest some tools you can use. [Footnote 2.]
Personal Religious Model Development Worksheet (PRDW)
The Church encourages its members to develop a personal relationship with God—and a personal religion—though in accordance with the “standard” LDS model, of course. To help you begin to develop such a personal religious model, I’ve provided the Personal Religious Model Development Worksheet on page 54. In column two of the Worksheet I identify and define some standard foundations of the typical LDS personal religion. (Note that this is certainly not an authoritative or all-inclusive list. Feel free to add to or modify any entry in column two.) Column three is provided for you to develop your own view of these foundations. The last column can be used to indicate your confidence in your view, belief, or approach. “I know this.” Or, “I’m okay with this.” Or, “I need to review or check on this.”
Completing these two columns will help you prepare to develop an LDS-compatible personal religion. To see how this will work, take a look at item three on the Worksheet, where some of the Church’s standard approaches to the Book of Mormon are noted. Now consider what your own approach to the Book of Mormon is and write a few notes in next column. Now look at the “Personal Life” line, which includes some things the Church wants its members to include in their personal lives. In column 3 of that line, record what you feel is constructive to include in your personal life.
As you fill these cells in, you will likely notice that your views and approaches overlap the “standard” view. For example, you’ll probably want to make your life “family centered,” be honest, pray, and have faith. Similarly, your behaviors and attitudes may often be in concert with those listed in the Standard LDS View column.
After you repeat this exercise for all twenty-five items, you will be ready to write a draft of your own personal religious model. (Note that I left a blank line on the Worksheet at the end for you to add an item if you’d like.)
Creating Your Personal Religious Model (PRM)
On page 55, I’ve provided my own version of a PRM. It is divided into six major sections. Each section states what I believe, or what I am willing to accept, or how I want to behave and the attitudes I need to foster. Each of the behavior statements started out as goals. As time has gone by, I have learned how to implement each of them better. Your own PRM might incorporate some similar elements, with more or fewer sections, but, of course, it will be unique to your own needs. For example, if you’re employed by the Church, you might have a section, “As it pertains to my job, or LDS co-workers.” If you’re in the LGBT community, you might have a section on dealing with those issues. As you draft your PRM, don’t be afraid to experiment, and don’t be afraid to take some time—even up to a year or more—to make it fit you well.
Although the PRM approach may seem inviting, it does bring some risks. For example, your spouse or children may initially be suspicious of the changes you’re making to the standard LDS model. If this happens, be empathetic. Ask yourself: “What if other family members, like my kids, followed my lead and developed their own unique PRMs that I found to be in tension with mine?” Some ward members and local leaders may also disapprove and initially distance themselves from you. You may miss out on interesting ward and stake callings (which is why so many have stayed in the closet in the past, though I think we are moving beyond that need for secrecy, thank goodness).
So proceed cautiously and be ready to make changes or modifications. If you share your new endeavor with others, do it thoughtfully so as not to alarm them with your new behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs.
Living your model might be difficult at first. Don’t be afraid to back off and change it to be more realistic and workable. Most of us first develop models that are more stringent than we can live with—possibly even stricter than the official LDS model. Don’t overdo it.
About halfway down the Worksheet on page 54, you’ll see a line called Motivators. This may be the most important line as far as ensuring the success of your new religious model. Finding sufficient motivation to follow some of the Church’s organizational requirements may be difficult (e.g., attending all meetings and paying a full tithing) since some standard motivators shown in column 2, like fear and guilt, will be weakened as effective motivators. Group pressures will also weaken, and the groups you identify with may change—from your ward, for instance, to a group of friends.
These old motivators will have to be replaced by more suitable motivators, such as personal choice, positive and loving attitudes, chosen behaviors, personal responsibility, faith, and respect for your children. Rewards can continue to be a motivator, of course, but hopefully they will be the rewards of simple goodness, of doing well, and of seeing your children happy. Reality and reason can now become important motivators, making our decisions and actions seem rational and understandable. Being open and honest with others about your life can be, in itself, a motivator. Write what can actually motivate you in the third column of the Motivators line.
Though creating and following a new model for a religious life is a challenge, it can also be very rewarding. If you are successful, you may find yourself entering into what James Fowler in his book Stages of Faith called Stage 5 faith. Stage 4 faith is where spiritual crises occur. Fowler’s studies show that people will either slide back into an uncomplicated Stage 3 faith or move forward into Stage 5 faith where peace of mind, acceptance, universalizing love, and a more personal relationship with God await.
Those of us who venture—or stumble—into the Borderlands of Stage 4 have the promise of Stage 5, or the option of Stage 3. In either case, we can often lead lives compatible with the traditional LDS model, if that is the goal.
Example of an LDS-compatible Personal Religious Model
As it pertains to God
• I don’t know for sure but I assume God exists.
• I try to develop a relationship with God.
• I pray to God.
• I acknowledge God’s goodness in my life.
• I show thanks to God by the way I treat others.
• I acknowledge that I do not know all there is to know about
religion and God, and rely on faith to bridge the gap.
As it pertains to Christ
• I try to understand and follow Jesus’ teachings for living a good and happy life.
• I try to follow Christ’s example, e.g.,
— I adopt the motto: “Do unto others.”
— I care about other people.
— I try to “turn the other cheek;”
— I try to forgive.
— I try to be honest with myself and others.
— I try to “heal” others.
— I share what I have with others.
As it pertains to the Church
• I accept elements of the “standard” LDS religious model where I agree, have evidence, and/or can generate the faith to go along.
• I follow the LDS model where feasible but my own model sometimes differs. I try not to let that get in the way of continued association with the Church.
• I am thoughtfully honest about my beliefs and feelings with other members, but I am not unfairly critical of the Church or its leaders, nor do I try to convert other members to my ways of thinking and believing.
• I remain active, as it benefits me and others.
• I accept callings which are compatible with my abilities and desires.
• I qualify for and obtain a temple recommend as necessary, e.g., to take a mission call, or to attend a temple marriage.
• I make regular donations, with modifications.
• I seek to change—through regular channels—Church programs which I believe are not beneficial.
• I follow the Word of Wisdom with occasional exceptions. I treat it as a good guideline.
As it pertains to LDS members and other people
• I listen to and try to understand others.
• I accept others’ personal religions.
• I allow others to have their own beliefs, feelings and desires.
• I try to control and manage emotional responses (e.g., anger, frustration) which may hurt others.
• I communicate my desires, feelings, and beliefs, but in ways which will not hurt others.
• I negotiate and compromise with others to solve problems.
• I respect others’ rights to privacy.
• I take responsibility for my actions and attitudes which may hurt others.
As it pertains directly to my family
• I put my family’s interests at the highest priority and I make my marriage as important as any other endeavor in my life.
• I try not be let my own beliefs and feelings be too disruptive to the religious process they experience themselves.
• I support my wife and children in their beliefs and religious activities.
• I contact teachers and leaders and encourage them to teach Christian ways of living to my children; I review with my children the things they learn at church and from LDS people.
• I negotiate acceptable arrangements concerning my Church activity with them on a timely basis.
• I respect my children’s right to a stable life.
As it pertains to my personal life
• When I have problems, I try to solve them.
• When I make mistakes, I say, “I’m sorry.”
• I forgive others.
• I accept things as they are, as necessary.
• I accept the principle of moderation in all things.
• I exercise, eat correctly, and maintain good health practices.
• I try to educate myself in both religious and secular spheres.
• I am open to all credible data.
• I try to see the reality of every situation.
• I am thoughtfully honest with others about myself, my beliefs, and my feelings.
• I seek help and counsel, as necessary, when I cannot under stand or solve a problem on my own.
• I listen to other’s points of view.
• I avoid letting unwarranted guilt and fear motivators drive my behavior.
• I recognize that I am naturally skeptical but I also try to be flexible in my thinking and conclusions.