Description

In the years following the death of my eight-year-old granddaughter, I was unraveling—not just in grief, but in faith. I had spent a lifetime as a believing, active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, holding the Melchizedek priesthood and working closely with local leadership. And yet, when I asked priesthood leaders how to access the Atonement of Jesus Christ to save me from grief here and now—not in the Millennium—I received no answer that could hold my pain.

This paper bears witness to what I learned after those answers failed. What I needed was not power, but presence. Drawing on my lived experience—including hospitalization, guided psychedelic therapy, and the unexpected role of AI in pattern recognition—I explore how grief, faith, and priesthood intersected in healing.

At the heart of the paper is a re-reading of Melchizedek: not as institutional authority, but as anarchetype—Melchizedek as bringer of bread and wine, of peace and presence. I also reflect on via negativa: the path of discerning what is not God. Deconstruction is only necessary until falsehood is seen. After that, presence can emerge.