How could a “Gentile” survive in Utah in the 1980s? This was the focus of the article “Stalking the Wild Gentile,” by Al Church, published in Network magazine, “the monthly for Utah’s working women.”
When Church moved to Utah, during the late 1960s, a Catholic nun told him, “As a kid raised a Catholic, you should be a little familiar with life in a convent or monastery. That’s what it’s like in Utah. People call each other ‘brother’ and ‘sister.’ They even wear habits, only under their clothes.”
Church managed to survive his first few years in Utah, and even married a Mormon. (“The women are beautiful,” he wrote.) He worked as a schoolteacher to begin with, eventually becoming a principal, and started moonlighting as a restaurant reviewer for Utah Holiday magazine and eventually for the LDS Church-owned Deseret News (where he once managed to slip a “damn” into an article).
Being a successful Utah Gentile, he shared some of his dos and don’ts for other non-Mormons who might be moving in. The following is excerpted from an excerpt of the article that appeared in the September/October 1981 issue of the Sunstone Review.
Do let Mormon friends know that you drink beer. Be sure to say, “Because I like the taste.”
Don’t go to a John Birch Society meeting when Ezra Taft Benson is the keynote speaker.
Do put on a bumper sticker that reads “The John Birch Society is Soft on Communism.” The confusion evoked from any paranoids will be sweet revenge.
Do ask guides at the Beehive House how many wives Brigham Young had. (Of my last four tours, the answer has averaged 21.)
Do visit and patronize the Mormon handicraft shop. It is a wonderful store, and if one of the sweet sales ladies asks if you are a member of “the” Church, do like my mother and say, “Yes,” discussing excitedly the Pope’s latest trip abroad.
Do take out-of-state visitors to Temple Square. Just don’t take the tour with them. Whispering in your friends’ ears during the tour causes glares from the guides, who have a sixth sense about latter-day Fawn Brodies.
Don’t let visiting friends sign the guest registers at Temple Square; that is, unless they are truly interested in more information about Mormonism.
Do read No Man Knows My History. Don’t discuss it with your Mormon in-laws.
Don’t discuss the Mountain Meadows Massacre with any Mormon unless you were there in person.
Do attend every ethnic festival in the area. (After we attended the Obon festival, my three-year old said, “Dad, teach me to be a Buddhist.” This will soften my parental anguish when she gets her first invitation to Primary.)
Do show your food storage area in your new home to your Mormon in-laws. Don’t hide the wine.
Do appreciate the skills of the Osmonds’ dentist.
Do serve punch at your parties that are “with” and “without.” Don’t have them different colors.