By Natasha Helfer
Question: My husband and I have been transitioning away from Mormonism for the past five years. It has been incredibly painful, but also liberating—allowing us to figure out how we want to live and interact with the world.
We both regret that, like many Mormons, we didn’t get to explore our sexuality before marriage. Even simple things like masturbation or “making out” left us with guilt that we’ve been sorting through for years. We are happy together and we love our kids, but we’re thinking about opening our marriage. Is there a healthy way to explore polyamory?
Answer: It is common for those going through religious transitions to experience regrets and “what ifs.” They often wonder, “Would my life have been different had I not been raised Mormon? What other choices could I have made? Would my spouse and I have realized we weren’t sexually compatible if we had had sex prior to getting married?” Our culture lays out the life of a young adult so neatly (missionary service quickly followed by marriage and babies) that it is easy to see how a religious transition would make a person revisit and reimagine those decisions. And since Mormonism has roots in polygamy (a practice that has not been doctrinally recanted) the thoughts of what it might mean to live a polyamorous lifestyle has already usually crossed the minds of an LDS couple. Taking all of this into consideration, I’m not surprised that some Mormons I see going through faith transitions bring this type of question to our counseling work.
But before addressing polyamory, I want to point out that it is impossible to know what we would have done had we not been raised in Mormonism or where different choices might have led. I’ve seen the other side of the coin, too, with non-Mormon clients expressing regret about how much sexual exploration they engaged in prior to marriage. Some had great sex with their future spouse before marriage but still struggle with sexual compatibility within the marriage. Some regret waiting as long as they did to have children.
Even if we had not been raised Mormon, we still would have lived with particular parents, in a particular culture, and probably with a particular religion. Plenty of other environmental factors would have been influencing us as well. So I encourage faith transitioning clients to take a YES/AND approach to their past selves. For example, “Yes, I might have had more sexual experiences before getting married or felt less guilt and shame about the sexual experiences I did have, and I don’t know what negative consequences could have resulted or what regrets I would now have if I had acted differently.” “Yes, I might have done more with my career if I hadn’t married so early, and I enjoy my current marriage and the family we have created.” This strategy helps us make room for conflicting feelings to coexist; it also helps us avoid the fantasy that “what could have been” will always be the greener grass on the other side of a never-ending fence.
For the purposes of this column, I am defining “polyamory”—or preferably “consensual non-monogamy”—as a relationship where all partners are consenting and feel comfortable with their arrangement (in other words, no social, religious, or political pressures are influencing any person involved to engage in the union).
The research and data available on open relationships are sparse since we live in a predominantly monogamous culture (although about 25% of committed relationships will at some point deal with extramarital sex and infidelity).1 It’s difficult to collect data as those living this lifestyle often do so carefully and privately so as to avoid marginalization, stigma, and even legal complications. Research is also hampered by the fact that scholars haven’t agreed on a definition of polyamory. However, according to the Center for Sexual Health Promotion, 78% of Americans describe their relationships as entirely monogamous and only 1% describe them as open. At the 2016 AASECT conference, I attended a panel where it was stated that the ratio of open relationships is actually closer to 4–5% and as high as 20% in younger demographics.
No matter how pervasive open relationships may be, there are some important factors to think about as you consider this move.
• Be aware that the ideal you have been taught for a successful marital relationship up to this point has been based on a heteronormative, long-term, monogamous model. This model teaches that self-worth and successful, relational intimacy are tied to the importance and singularity only one lover/partner/soulmate can offer. These concepts will be difficult to turn from, even if you feel you have done so intellectually. Patience with yourself and your partner will be essential to building a new, emotionally satisfying, model.
• Usually there is one partner who is more interested in opening the relationship than the other. Ask yourselves honestly, “Why do we want to change our sexual contract at this point of our lives? What do we hope to get out of this new arrangement? How do we think it will benefit our relationship? What would we hope for each other and ourselves? Is this a good time to add this type of complexity? Do we have a strong enough foundation to try something like this? Have we weighed the potential risks and benefits? What are the conversations we need to have before we decide to explore this?” The biggest mistakes I see when a couple attempts an open arrangement are: 1) They make the decision too quickly without giving much thought or dialogue to how it will all transpire, 2) The decision is an attempt to save an already toxic marriage, and/or 3) The couple engages in the new relationship too soon after a faith transition (which is already a painful, vulnerable time).
• Realize that jealousy is a normal feeling and to be expected as you begin to engage in open relationships. But like most emotions, it can be successfully reframed if you can learn to attribute new meanings to feelings and improve differentiation, communication, and cognitive-behavioral skills.
• You’ll need to redefine what it will mean to be in a “sexually successful” partnership. You’ll also need to find a way to make sure any alternative sexuality you decide to practice still lines up with your sense of sexual morals, values, and ethics. Sexual integrity is an important concept to consider.
• Contracting what type of open relationship you’d like to engage in will be paramount. Will this be a casual or serious venture? Do you want to have emotional relationships with other people or only sexual? Do you want to engage in these experiences as a couple or on your own? Do you want to keep your current relationship primary (meaning it trumps all other relationships you may engage in) or do you want to create a larger family structure (where you invite others to be partners with parenting, financial, sexual, and other responsibilities and rights)?
• Contracting new sexual rules will be important. What type of birth control or safe sex practices will you expect from one another? What type of STI testing will you agree to engage in and hold your partners accountable to? Can sexual behavior with other partners take place in your home? Are there people who are off limits (i.e. coworkers, mutual friends, extended family members, etc.)? Are there sexual acts that are off limits? Will you tell each other about your experiences or respect each other’s privacy?
• Contracting the relationships will also be important. Do you want to meet each other’s partners? Do you want your children to meet your partners? Do you tell your family and friends about your lifestyle? Will you invite your partners to attend family or social functions?
• Then you need to figure out day-to-day realities. Who’s taking care of the kids? How will you balance relational activities and expectations with your other responsibilities? What happens if one of you finds a willing partner before the other does? How much money will be budgeted towards dating or other costs associated with your new lifestyle?
• I encourage couples exploring consensual non-monogamy to undergo trial periods before making final decisions. Negotiate a time frame for exploring a certain type of behavior or relationship and then return to the drawing table to assess how it went, what you felt, what you did or did not expect, whether you both feel safe to continue, etc.
• Find support groups that have healthy boundaries.
• Get legal support when needed.
• Work with a sex-positive therapist who can help you navigate the questions above (plus more) without projecting a negative bias. AASECT2 is a good place to start. The Mormon Mental Health Association3 also has a listing of professionals, some of whom specialize in sexuality and know how to navigate Mormon issues.
• If you want some helpful reading, check out Opening Up by Tristan Taormino; The New Monogamy by Tammy Nelson; and Polyamory, the New Love without Limits by Deborah Anapol.
As you can see from all these bullet points, you should expect hiccups during this transition. Renegotiating and reevaluating your relational contract will be an ongoing process. Regardless of what you decide to do with your relationship, remember that good sex and relationships require many of the same things: healthy expectations, ongoing communication, honesty, trust, willing partners, compromise, adventure, empathy, vulnerability, and a pleasure-affirming approach. Making space for the belief that you both deserve to receive and give pleasure is a worthwhile endeavor.