Of the making of conversion stories there is no end. There is, however, a surprising lack of non-conversion stories. In particular, when a person has been immersed in Mormon studies for as long as I’ve been, how have I escaped the waters of baptism? This paper takes a kind but firm look at the several overarching reasons why I’m not a member. I begin with my puzzlement over why Mormonism begins with a sound spiritual message and then mucks it up with all kinds of distractions, and move on to other puzzlements about the Church’s teaching versus its practice.