This time last year, I lost my lovely mother. While this event caused a very big door in my life to close, it also opened a window.

I come from a very strong LDS family. Every discussion at every meal was about something Church-related. Everything I did or thought in my life was processed through a religious filter. Religion was a great motivator for some of the harder things I have accomplished in my life, getting my Eagle Scout award, going on a mission, and starting a family.

As I reflect on the first four decades of my life, I would like to think that I did all of these things because I had a great testimony and was a valiant soldier in the Lord’s army. The reality was that I was doing what my mother had taught me. The faith I had was hers.

A few years ago, as I was wrestling to know with some certainty that the Church was true, I started to augment my studies with Internet searches about various topics. Some of the information I found troubled me. I continued to live the way my parents had brought me up, but I was starting to get angry about the things that were bothering me.

Once my mother passed away and I was no longer trying to please her, a window opened into a new world. For the first time, I felt free to consider everything I had been taught as a child and decide whether or not I really believed it. I was 40 years old. It’s about time I figure all this out, I thought.

What happened was wonderful. I realized that I could believe with my heart and that I didn’t have to believe anything that didn’t feel right to me. Jesus said that the truth will set you free, and it did. As I began to explore and trust what my heart was telling me, I was able to let go of all the anger and frustration I had been feeling.

I no longer care about Book of Mormon historicity, priesthood authority, DNA findings, and many other issues. There are many beautiful things about God and the LDS religion. I can love the Book of Mormon, hate polygamy, thank God for a prophet, and yet believe sexual orientation isn’t a switch people can turn off or on. I am no longer consumed by a quest for the truth. The truth was inside me the whole time.

My mother passed away early in the morning. My sister had called to tell me that our mother was fading fast and that I should get over there if I wanted to see her again. Five minutes later, as I was scrambling to get out the door, a peaceful feeling such as I’d never felt before came over me. I knew she was gone. When my sister called a minute later, she simply confirmed what I already knew.

The truth is inside me.

Kirk Bullough

Tooele, Utah