By D. Jeff Burton
D. Jeff Burton is the author of For Those Who Wonder and a former member of the Sunstone board of directors.
This column shares the story of “Ryan,” a Church employee stationed in Guatemala. (Names, locations, and details have been changed to protect identities.) A few years ago, he found himself at the threshold of a faith crisis. Then, about a year ago, Ryan sent me an email asking if we could talk about his experiences. To get started, and to let you know what his background is, I’ll share the answers he provided to our standard questionnaire.
1. How would you describe your upbringing in the Church?
I was born into an orthodox Mormon family. My father was a bishop, and my siblings have all been married in the temple. I attended early-morning seminary, was fully active, went on a mission to Guatemala at age 19, came home and graduated from BYU, and then, at age 26, got married in the temple to a woman I met during my mission. (A story for another time.) Growing up, I had some non-LDS friends, but my Mormonism made me feel special, even chosen.
2. What is your current status in the Church?
I’m reluctantly active. I live in Guatemala where I’m building up a pretty long history due to my mission, marriage, and employment. I have now worked for six years for the Church here but the TBMs around me do not know I am PIMO (physically in, mentally out).
3a. What issues / events / actions / concerns / historical data caused you to move into the Borderlands?
In my youth I noticed some elitism and exclusivity in the Church, which bothered me, but I didn’t think much about it. I fully committed myself to the Church before my mission. In late 2017 I read some Church history (e.g., Rough Stone Rolling) that altered my former understanding of the Church narrative. This led to learning about things like the second anointing (confirming my suspicions of elitism) and problems with the Book of Mormon and Book of Abraham. This woke me up to a “new reality” that much of what I had accepted earlier in my life might just be an illusion. It’s been a tough reality to accept.
3b. Did you experience a “crisis of faith” as part of your experience? If so, please describe the crisis and how you resolved it (if it is resolved).
Yes. I felt like I had lost my testimony. And today I feel I may have made some poor life decisions based on questionable assumptions. It’s been tough on me and my marriage. I haven’t achieved any kind of resolution yet because I’m also dealing with an identity crisis. But fortunately, I’m beginning to realize that my life story is just one of many rather than anything special or unique. I’m falling back on the idea that if there is a God, he would not punish me for using logic and reason to come to a new understanding of my own existence.
4a. Why do you stay in the Borderlands as opposed to moving on past them into inactivity / leaving the Church / moving back into Group 1, etc.?
Currently I have to stay fully connected because of my Church employment. If I were not employed by the Church, I might be less connected. (Ironically, if I had not seen behind the curtain of Church operations because of my employment, I may have not ventured into a deeper look at its history.) Plus, nearly my entire identity and career network are intertwined with members of the Church. Distancing myself from them worries me.
5. How does this experience / situation effect you (emotionally, spiritually, physically)?
Sometimes I have feelings of depression, sadness, anger, loss, and lack of motivation. I have a problem praying because I feel a bit like I was deceived into the practice, and now I wonder if God is actually listening. But I’m exploring all kinds of learning, and I’m into meditation, which sometimes seems like praying.
6. How do you cope with those issues / events / concerns / status?
I’ve learned to partly “put it out of my mind.” I’m also reading and learning about how to let things go. Being part of Sunstone has also helped a lot. However, I’m still wrestling with my future and how to move forward. I have not arrived at a new, peaceful place yet. I still need help finding a pathway out of this problem.
7. How well do you cope?
So far, I’ve managed to cope with some dignity. In church settings the facade is still up. I’m not being authentic there because I don’t feel I can do that yet. Plus, being angry and upset won’t solve anything and would put me in the “avoid” camp. Right now, I just stay in the closet, but I still make useful contributions of my time and skills, and I do this sincerely.
8a. How open and forthcoming are you with others about your situation, or about your Borderland-causing issues / events / actions / concerns?
As the faith crisis set in, I told my wife, but she didn’t seem too concerned. She’s confessed that, as a convert she thought the Joseph Smith story was weird and that she’s never fully bought into it. I think she came into the Church primarily for social and economic reasons, like many converts do in countries like this. Since that conversation, we haven’t talked about it much. I did speak to my brother who left the Church about ten years ago and I heard some of his story. He took the “jump ship” approach—an option that doesn’t seem right for me. I’ve also talked to a few people who I view as “safe.” Some Church leaders know vaguely that my views have changed; for example, I recently declined a call by telling my stake president I could not do that calling because of some “current burdens,” which I didn’t go into.
8b. If you have kept your Borderland status a secret, please explain why you felt a need to do that.
First, I would lose my job. Second, I’m worried that my parents would be disappointed and saddened that I’m lost or an apostate. Third, my standing in the LDS community would be gone. Fourth, keeping it secret sort of buys me time to figure out the transition process. Fifth, I am keeping it from most of my family because of the negative impact it might have on them. Frankly, this secrecy makes me nervous and I need to get this resolved. I can see the value and peace of mind that comes from being able to freely express one’s true feelings.
8c. What would it take for you to be open with others about your situation?
Three things: (1) An absence of fear of consequences. (2) Finding a new purpose in life (with clarity). (3) Confidence that there’s a better, happier state clearly in the future for me and our little family.
9. How does this Borderlands experience affect your family and friends? How do these various people (e.g., spouse, ward members, children, friends, relatives) respond to you and your experience?
My wife doesn’t seem to care much one way or the other, and she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. (This worries me.) Our children are too young to talk to about it. As for other family members, I imagine that once they all know, most will be sad, disappointed, and upset. Some may distance themselves from me.
The following paragraphs are based on emails that Ryan and I exchanged over the next several months.
Jeff: From what I understood from your questionnaire answers, it seems like you’ve been quite mature and thoughtful in dealing with these issues already. Many people in your situation would be long gone. All the things you’ve mentioned suggest that you’ve seen some good reasons for staying with Church, even if it is in the Borderlands.
And you seem to have been quite successful starting a life in the Borderlands. There are a lot of benefits to life on the edges. It gives us the opportunity to slip across the border and explore life on the other side, both the good and the bad, while keeping the things we value or need from our “homeland.”
As for family, that will always be an issue. Your concern about your brothers and sisters is quite common and it is thoughtful of you to consider their feelings and needs. I’m not sure where you are in that realm with your wife. In the future you will likely need to have more communication with her. Maybe some couple’s communication training could help. When I was on the stake high council, I actually taught classes on that subject. We used a textbook, Talking Together. You might want to get it.
As for what to do next, I would suggest you keep looking into all options and give things time. I usually suggest that people give it 5–10 years from their first forays into the Borderlands before making any final decisions about leaving the Church. This gives you time to explore the best paths forward and how to adjust your life so it meets all your (or others’) needs. Based on the rest of your answer to question 4a, I would think that finding a way to comfortably maintain your activity and connections would be useful to you.
You use the phrase “loss of testimony.” It might be useful to think of it instead as a “change” in testimony. You could include, for example, acknowledging the various ways the Church helps so many people. It is still possible for people like us to openly and honestly say things (even as a “testimony” in fast meeting) like, “I really appreciate all the good the Church does in the lives of people.” “I feel blessed to be able to participate.” “The gospel of Jesus has been a very strong influence in my life.” “I support the good things the Church does here in Guatemala.” “I trust that God has my best interests at heart.”
I don’t think being appropriately open and honest would put you in a bad place. I’ve known people who have stood up in testimony meeting and said, “God hasn’t blessed me with a testimony of Joseph Smith, but I see all the good that the Church can do. I admire all the great things Church members do for each other and for people outside the Church because of the gospel of Jesus.” From my experience, when people hear something like that, they think, “Wow, he has a lot of faith!” Doing and saying things like that can make you more acceptable to TBMs and may also help you feel that you could stay (to some degree) with the Church, benefitting from the history and connections that go with it.
You talk about feeling decieved about prayer and that now you’re unsure of its efficacy. I can definitely see how you might feel deceived about what prayer should sound like or how it should function; the Church certainly feels very proprietary about that. Happily, prayer did not originate with Joseph Smith or any other Mormon. It has been a cornerstone of religious practice from the beginning of religion itself. I personally have found it very useful to pray to a “heavenly father,” and I’ve felt that I’ve actually been heard on numerous occasions. How prayer is used and practiced personally can vary widely.
Finally, I would suggest you find and speak to your leaders and others you trust to get their impressions of where you are and how to proceed. Most church leaders have dealt with these issues, even though they rarely talk about it. When I was a branch president, I heard several such stories that no one in the branch knew about.
Ryan (a few weeks later): Okay, I asked my stake president for some time to chat. As a Church employee, I know him pretty well. I took along a page of “talking points” that would help. I felt that a confidential talk with him might help settle some things in my mind. My talking points were about what led me to a faith crisis and about my disappointment and family issues.
I methodically explained that I had to find answers to my emotional pain—a way to find a peaceful place in my mind—because church channels, resources, and methods had not resolved these things for me. Then I explained how, through this process, I had awakened into a new reality. I did not get explicit about truth claims; I mainly stuck to the idea that I began to see a new reality as I considered my formula for life. I said that I have dedicated many years of my life to the Church and that I was willing to continue helping in appropriate ways. But I did say there were things I could no longer do—things that made me uncomfortable—and that I would let him know if he asked me to do something I could not do (like testify of XYZ) or say things that I did not agree with or believe.
As I expected, he did not have a lot to say. I knew that the last thing he needed was drama; he’s got much more pressing issues to deal with than my faith crisis. The meeting lasted about 45 minutes . . . and that was it. I feel quite comfortable about the whole thing. I think he recognizes my contribution with or without the faith crisis. There’s no incentive for him to push me in any direction at this point. I’m still a high-functioning member/leader from his point of view.
Jeff: I’m glad to hear that you had that kind of reaction to the meeting. This consulting-with-others approach has been part of the solution for many Borderlanders. Talking to others we trust helps us see more clearly what’s going on inside of us. When authority figures don’t blame us or look down on us, it’s easier to accept things as they are and gain confidence that we can manage them. I once had a similar experience with my stake president.
Ryan (a few weeks later): I’ve got a “life coach” now. We’ve met three times online thus far. I mentioned your work to him, and he’s read some of it since. He has also presented at a Sunstone Symposium. He seems pretty familiar with faith crisis issues. He has helped me clarify some cognitive distortions, or poor thinking habits, that cause me to feel negative, angry, etc., about various things in my life. Anyhow, I think these sessions are useful and I’m liking the opportunity to self-evaluate and get perspectives from others who’ve been through the faith crisis experience.
Generally speaking, l feel like I’ve made some progress over the past month, though I still sometimes feel it’s a lost cause. And anger still surfaces at times when I think about all the bridges I still have to cross. So, I have a way to go yet.
Last week at priesthood meeting some guys started whining about how people in their families had left the Church. There were the usual complaints about how bad things are getting online, how good members are being deceived, and how “all these news stories are attacking the Church.” Then one guy brought up the $100-billion fund story and claimed the former employee was lying about all his claims in order to attack the Church. I was rather appalled at the level of ignorance and closed-mindedness among my priesthood brethren. Restraining myself as best I could, I responded: “We really need to be careful and more understanding about the people who leave. Please don’t forget that many of our ancestors left their religious traditions to join the Mormons, and no doubt their families were upset and felt they had been deceived. We need to stop all this ‘us vs. the world’ business. It does not help us to see everyone ‘outside’ as the enemy.” I returned home feeling liberated for speaking up (in a careful way). And many of the class members seemed to agree with me. I’m learning how to behave properly in the Borderlands.
By the way, the $100-billion surplus story really disturbed me. I regularly deal with people who have almost nothing, living in abject poverty, and in desperate need of help. I recently helped a 57-year-old sister who has been fighting cancer. She has been unable to work due to health issues and sells used clothes for some income. I’m certain that she and her husband make no more than a few hundred dollars a month between them. She and her non-member husband needed some help with their farm but have no extra money. She was looking for about $150-worth of equipment—hoses, connectors, tools, and so forth. So, I gave them the money for the farm equipment. The questions that come to me include: Why does the Church have so much money socked away when so many members need help? And why aren’t local leaders better trained and provided with means to help members with these kinds of needs? Sometimes the Church has too much faith in priesthood leaders and assumes they know what to do to help impoverished members. Sadly, I don’t think they do much of the time.
Jeff: It sounds like you’ve found many things that help you survive in the Borderlands. Helping others, for example, is central to what we should be doing in the Church regardless of our position. I admire members like you who reach out to others: that’s the perfect Borderland behavior. As for why the Church doesn’t help more than it does, I’m guessing the Church would do more if it had more information about needs in countries like yours.
Ryan: Someday I may be able to move into a space where someone in power may actually want to listen to my frank opinions, but so far there’s little to no opportunity to voice high-level concerns. (In Church employment there’s one overarching principle: “Align with the Brethren.”) But one problem with that is there are likely to be issues about which “the Brethren” have blind spots because those reporting to them do not want to report bad news—they want spin information in a “faith promoting” way (confirmation bias). I think refusing to see and accept reality simply perpetuates or exacerbates problems, and that kind of thing goes on too much in Church operations.
One more thing. In the past few weeks what has pained me the most is that my desire to be honest, open, and authentic has created more conflict with my wife. Sometimes she considers my concerns and expressions as hostile. She said once, “Seems like you no longer like the Church.” But she would rather not discuss these things. I’m worried about how this will affect our future.
Jeff: We sometimes see that kind of spousal response earlier in the faith-crisis experience. That’s a genuine worry, but don’t overreact. Remember, you’re not alone in these kinds of experiences. Lots of people I’ve talked with have gone through similar feelings and responses. Fortunately, these things seem to dissipate as time goes by, especially when you find solutions and fixes. I think you’re on the right track with counseling and coaching. Giving concerns plenty of space and focusing on one issue at a time seems to work for many people. I hope and pray that you can work out something mutually satisfying with your wife, but it may take time. I encourage you again to get couple’s counseling; a professional can provide thoughts, solutions, and understandings that you can both work with.
Ryan: I agree that time helps. But also, I’ve noticed lately that I’m getting closer to wanting to be more vocal about my experiences and opinions with everyone, not just my wife. The gap between reality and church expectations is only growing.
Jeff: About being more vocal: take that step carefully. Some people feel guilty, for example, after they share their concerns/disbeliefs and/or some controversial church practice/policy with someone and then see that person go through traumas of their own, often feeling that it is at least partly their fault.
What I recommend first is that people like us examine each individual concern and see how it affects our lives. For example, someone might say, “I found out that the Book of Mormon may have been partially taken from another text available to Joseph Smith!” My suggested approach looks like this: “Okay, how does that problem affect my life? What should I allow it to do to me? How can I manage this information and its repercussions in my life? How will what I do or say affect other important people in my life? What can I do to bring peace to my mind?” I think you get the idea.
After I came to the understanding that much of what Joseph Smith did and said probably didn’t come directly from God, and after I figured out how to deal with that (e.g, living in the Borderlands), I felt much better and, quite frankly, better than I did before. As for Church practices and policies, we are free, of course, to try to influence Church leaders. Your examples of issues related to welfare and assistance are well founded and we could all try to encourage local and even general leaders to make changes. Recent changes in policies at BYU and in the Handbooks of Instruction certainly didn’t originate out of the blue as a direct revelation from God. Lots of people probably made comments and complaints that eventually resulted in the changes we see.
Ryan: Point well taken. On more general matters, I’m starting to live in a better place mentally. I really do feel I’ve made some important progress these past couple of months, and I hope the trend continues. I’m hopeful that I can find a new, settled place that allows me to be authentic with my family and friends, maintain and strengthen relationships, and remain a valuable resource to them.
Jeff: Looks like you’re on the right track.
I want to thank Ryan for sharing his story with us. I invite readers and listeners to respond with experiences, questions or suggestions that might help Ryan deal with these issues. Just send me an email and I’ll forward your thoughts to Ryan. (jeff@eburton.com)
One more thing. In the past few weeks what has pained me the most is that my desire to be honest, open, and authentic has created more conflict with my wife. Sometimes she considers my concerns and expressions as hostile. She said once, “Seems like you no longer like the Church.” But she would rather not discuss these things. I’m worried about how this will affect our future.
Jeff: We sometimes see that kind of spousal response earlier in the faith-crisis experience. That’s a genuine worry, but don’t overreact. Remember, you’re not alone in these kinds of experiences. Lots of people I’ve talked with have gone through similar feelings and responses. Fortunately, these things seem to dissipate as time goes by, especially when you find solutions and fixes. I think you’re on the right track with counseling and coaching. Giving concerns plenty of space and focusing on one issue at a time seems to work for many people. I hope and pray that you can work out something mutually satisfying with your wife, but it may take time. I encourage you again to get couple’s counseling; a professional can provide thoughts, solutions, and understandings that you can both work with.
Ryan: I agree that time helps. But also, I’ve noticed lately that I’m getting closer to wanting to be more vocal about my experiences and opinions with everyone, not just my wife. The gap between reality and church expectations is only growing.
Jeff: About being more vocal: take that step carefully. Some people feel guilty, for example, after they share their concerns/disbeliefs and/or some controversial church practice/policy with someone and then see that person go through traumas of their own, often feeling that it is at least partly their fault.
What I recommend first is that people like us examine each individual concern and see how it affects our lives. For example, someone might say, “I found out that the Book of Mormon may have been partially taken from another text available to Joseph Smith!” My suggested approach looks like this: “Okay, how does that problem affect my life? What should I allow it to do to me? How can I manage this information and its repercussions in my life? How will what I do or say affect other important people in my life? What can I do to bring peace to my mind?” I think you get the idea.
After I came to the understanding that much of what Joseph Smith did and said probably didn’t come directly from God, and after I figured out how to deal with that (e.g, living in the Borderlands), I felt much better and, quite frankly, better than I did before. As for Church practices and policies, we are free, of course, to try to influence Church leaders. Your examples of issues related to welfare and assistance are well founded and we could all try to encourage local and even general leaders to make changes. Recent changes in policies at BYU and in the Handbooks of Instruction certainly didn’t originate out of the blue as a direct revelation from God. Lots of people probably made comments and complaints that eventually resulted in the changes we see.
Ryan: Point well taken. On more general matters, I’m starting to live in a better place mentally. I really do feel I’ve made some important progress these past couple of months, and I hope the trend continues. I’m hopeful that I can find a new, settled place that allows me to be authentic with my family and friends, maintain and strengthen relationships, and remain a valuable resource to them.
Jeff: Looks like you’re on the right track.
I want to thank Ryan for sharing his story with us. I invite readers and listeners to respond with experiences, questions or suggestions that might help Ryan deal with these issues. Just send me an email and I’ll forward your thoughts to Ryan. jeff@eburton.com.
Generally speaking, l feel like I’ve made some progress over the past month, though I still sometimes feel it’s a lost cause. And anger still surfaces at times when I think about all the bridges I still have to cross. So, I have a way to go yet.
Last week at priesthood meeting some guys started whining about how people in their families had left the Church. There were the usual complaints about how bad things are getting online, how good members are being deceived, and how “all these news stories are attacking the Church.” Then one guy brought up the $100-billion fund story and claimed the former employee was lying about all his claims in order to attack the Church. I was rather appalled at the level of ignorance and closed-mindedness among my priesthood brethren. Restraining myself as best I could, I responded: “We really need to be careful and more understanding about the people who leave. Please don’t forget that many of our ancestors left their religious traditions to join the Mormons, and no doubt their families were upset and felt they had been deceived. We need to stop all this ‘us vs. the world’ business. It does not help us to see everyone ‘outside’ as the enemy.” I returned home feeling liberated for speaking up (in a careful way). And many of the class members seemed to agree with me. I’m learning how to behave properly in the Borderlands.
Jeff: Wow, I love the way you responded and your courage to do so!
Ryan: By the way, this $100-billion financial news disturbs me. I regularly deal with people who have almost nothing, living in abject poverty, and in desperate need of help. I recently helped a 57-year-old sister who has been fighting cancer. She has been unable to work due to health issues and sells used clothes for some income. I’m certain that she and her husband make no more than a few hundred dollars a month between them. She and her non-member husband needed some help with their farm but have no extra money. She was looking for about $150-worth of equipment—hoses, connectors, tools, and so forth. So, I gave them the money for the farm equipment. The questions that come to me include: Why does the Church have so much money socked away when so many members need help? And why aren’t local leaders better trained and provided with means to help members with these kinds of needs? Sometimes the Church has too much faith in priesthood leaders and assumes they know what to do to help impoverished members. Sadly, I don’t think they do much of the time.
Jeff: It sounds like you’ve found many things that help you survive in the Borderlands. Helping others, for example, is central to what we should be doing in the Church regardless of our position. I admire members like you who reach out to others: that’s the perfect Borderland behavior. As for why the Church doesn’t help more than it does, I’m guessing the Church would do more if it had more information about needs in countries like yours.
Ryan: Someday I may be able to move into a space where someone in power may actually want to listen to my frank opinions, but so far there’s little to no opportunity to voice high-level concerns. (In Church employment there’s one overarching principle: “Align with the Brethren.”) But one problem with that is there are likely to be issues about which “the Brethren” have blind spots because those reporting to them do not want to report bad news—they want spin information in a “faith promoting” way (confirmation bias). I think refusing to see and accept reality simply perpetuates or exacerbates problems, and that kind of thing goes on too much in Church operations.
One more thing. In the past few weeks what has pained me the most is that my desire to be honest, open, and authentic has created more conflict with my wife. Sometimes she considers my concerns and expressions as hostile. She said once, “Seems like you no longer like the Church.” But she would rather not discuss these things. I’m worried about how this will affect our future.
Jeff: We sometimes see that kind of spousal response earlier in the faith-crisis experience. That’s a genuine worry, but don’t overreact. Remember, you’re not alone in these kinds of experiences. Lots of people I’ve talked with have gone through similar feelings and responses. Fortunately, these things seem to dissipate as time goes by, especially when you find solutions and fixes. I think you’re on the right track with counseling and coaching. Giving concerns plenty of space and focusing on one issue at a time seems to work for many people. I hope and pray that you can work out something mutually satisfying with your wife, but it may take time. I encourage you again to get couple’s counseling; a professional can provide thoughts, solutions, and understandings that you can both work with.
Ryan: I agree that time helps. But also, I’ve noticed lately that I’m getting closer to wanting to be more vocal about my experiences and opinions with everyone, not just my wife. The gap between reality and church expectations is only growing.
Jeff: About being more vocal: take that step carefully. Some people feel guilty, for example, after they share their concerns/disbeliefs and/or some controversial church practice/policy with someone and then see that person go through traumas of their own, often feeling that it is at least partly their fault.
What I recommend first is that people like us examine each individual concern and see how it affects our lives. For example, someone might say, “I found out that the Book of Mormon may have been partially taken from another text available to Joseph Smith!” My suggested approach looks like this: “Okay, how does that problem affect my life? What should I allow it to do to me? How can I manage this information and its repercussions in my life? How will what I do or say affect other important people in my life? What can I do to bring peace to my mind?” I think you get the idea.
After I came to the understanding that much of what Joseph Smith did and said probably didn’t come directly from God, and after I figured out how to deal with that (e.g, living in the Borderlands), I felt much better and, quite frankly, better than I did before. As for Church practices and policies, we are free, of course, to try to influence Church leaders. Your examples of issues related to welfare and assistance are well founded and we could all try to encourage local and even general leaders to make changes. Recent changes in policies at BYU and in the Handbooks of Instruction certainly didn’t originate out of the blue as a direct revelation from God. Lots of people probably made comments and complaints that eventually resulted in the changes we see.
Ryan: Point well taken. On more general matters, I’m starting to live in a better place mentally. I really do feel I’ve made some important progress these past couple of months, and I hope the trend continues. I’m hopeful that I can find a new, settled place that allows me to be authentic with my family and friends, maintain and strengthen relationships, and remain a valuable resource to them.
Jeff: Looks like you’re on the right track.
I want to thank Ryan for sharing his story with us. I invite readers and listeners to respond with experiences, questions or suggestions that might help Ryan deal with these issues. Just send me an email and I’ll forward your thoughts to Ryan. jeff@eburton.com.
Would anyone else like to contribute experiences? Contact me at jeff@eburton.com. Visit my website: forthosewhowonder.com.
