Polygamy is one of the main aspects of Mormon history and theology that sends previously true-believing Mormons spinning into a faith crisis. If you spend any time on the Bloggernacle, you’ll see it happening over and over again.
As I’ve watched people go through this kind of crisis, I’ve noticed that it partakes in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s model of the stages of grief. People often start in the denial stage, unwilling to believe that polygamy was introduced as it was (secretly, sometimes coercively) by someone they believe to be a prophet of God. But when the facts finally start to overtake them, they fall into anger. They feel lied to and betrayed. But when the load of anger gets too heavy, they often find themselves bargaining—with God, with ecclesiastical leaders, with themselves—to see if they can regain their previous faith. When that fails, they often fall into depression, watching as their worldview, identity, and sense of purpose vanish. The only way out of that depression is acceptance, which is at first unthinkable, but becomes more palatable and finally liberating as the depression becomes threatening.
The interesting thing is that Kubler-Ross developed her model from working with terminally ill patients. It seems that the same thoughts and emotional processes kick in when someone goes through a faith crisis as when someone is terminally ill. Why is this?
Well, there is a kind of dying going on. But instead of one’s body dying, it’s one’s identity—which is almost as important. If you had based your entire worldview and lifestyle on a particular view of Joseph Smith and his teachings, and then found those views overturned, the foundation of your value system is suddenly gone. You don’t know what is meaningful. You look back on your life and wonder what all that sacrifice was for. You look ahead and wonder what will be worth living for. Your life may not be gone, but its meaning certainly is.
However, I’ve also noticed that Mormons often go through the first four stages over and over again, becoming trapped in a cycle that never leads to acceptance. For example, someone may stop for a while in the bargaining step and decide to “put it on the shelf.” But then, a few months later, a comment in Sunday school or on a blog will send them straight back into anger.
As anyone who has been stuck in this cycle will tell you, it’s exhausting, time consuming, and hard on one’s relationships. How can one finally get to acceptance?
As I’ve proposed in past columns, applying questions posed by the four quadrants model (see Chart 1) can help us gain control of this cycle and finally move past it.
And, as always, we start with the Why quadrant. Why are you repeating this cycle? It is essential that you be honest about the answers. And they will likely be frightening. One answer you may come up with is, “I have no idea what lies on the other side of acceptance. It looks like apostasy, and I’ve always denigrated apostates. I can’t become one of them!” Another answer may be, “I’m afraid of what I might lose: relationships, peace of mind, my place in the community.” Or even, “I’m afraid that if I lose this angry energy, I’ll just turn back into the complacent robot I used to be.”
Once you dig deep enough to get past all the fake answers, once you look at what truly scares you about getting to acceptance—and once you say it aloud—you’ll finally be able to work with it. It will no longer be a boogey man in the closet.
When that path is cleared, move to the What quadrant. “What precisely bothers me about polygamy, Book of Mormon historicity, women in the priesthood, LGBT issues, etc.?” “What stage do I spend most of my time in?” “What other stages frame my thoughts and emotions on a regular basis?” “What kind of effect does running through these stages have on me?”
Then move into How. “How do I stop, start, or continue specific triggers that will move me toward acceptance?” “How do I deal with the disappointment and loss that has haunted me for so long?” “How might I live my life if I did move into acceptance?”
The final quadrant will be Who. “Who have I hurt during the times I have inhabited one of Kubler-Ross’s stages?” “At whom did I vent denial or anger to prove my point?” “Upon whom did I (intentionally or not) unload my bargaining, blaming, or depression while begging them to ‘fix it for me’?” You will find the answers to these questions in the answers you gave in the first three quadrants. This will be a healing time for both you and the people you unintentionally hurt during your trips around the faith crisis cycle.
Prell shampoo doubled its profits when it added one word to the instructions on the back of its bottle. While other hair care products of that era instructed users to “apply, lather, and rinse,” Prell added, “repeat.” However, usually a single application of shampoo is enough to clean one’s hair, and you will find that a single trip through grief/faith crisis cycle can be enough, too, as long as you actually make it to acceptance. And believe me, you’ll know it when you do. You’ll be a different person. You’ll find that situations where you once bristled and became contentious have become opportunities. You’ll find a well of generosity in you that you didn’t have access to before. You’ll stop clinging to the need to be right. In difficult situations, you’ll only be looking for a way to be most human. Your identity won’t be based on what you believe but on what you bring to each encounter.