By Natasha Helfer Parker
I am 29 and have my endowments, but I also masturbate. I feel guilty about it. I’m trying to tell myself it’s OK. But is it?
I am a single LDS woman, age 31, hoping to get endowed soon. The problem is, I have had issues with . . . well, I am too embarrassed to even type it. I started experimenting [with masturbation] at a fairly young age and continued until about a year ago. I have felt terrible about myself and too humiliated to talk to my bishop about the problem. I continue to postpone my endowment because I feel unworthy, and I’m worried about the interview. I don’t want to miss out on the blessings of the temple because of something like this. I want to do the right thing spiritually as well as take care of myself physically, but how can I do both?
IN 2012, I wrote a blog post at The Mormon Therapist articulating my official stance on masturbation.1 It took me about 10 years to develop this position, drawing on both my perspective as a mental health professional and as a faithful member of the Church. But for a long time, I stayed silent on the subject not wanting to contradict what might be considered church policy, culture, or doctrine. However, I came to the realization that my silence was unethical—especially when I considered the needs of our adolescent and single-adult population. I was being complicit with a structure that caused tremendous pain, unnecessary guilt, ecclesiastical discipline, cultural shaming, marital and sexual repercussions, negative coping, negative self-identity and esteem, and other destructive consequences.
My position is that masturbation is neither sinful nor even a “transgression.” Here is why.
Mormonism holds that God created us as emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual beings. Mormonism also recognizes that both relational connections and independence are essential for spiritual growth. The social and psychological sciences agree: we are social creatures meant to thrive in relationship with others. However, we are also individual entities—and when we’re not able to be in a relationship, we have the capacity to meet our own needs for certain periods of time depending on our age and developmental stage. Through the studies of pediatrics and human sexuality, we know that genital stimulation is normal behavior for children.2 Combining this knowledge with the LDS doctrine that children are innocent, I believe we need to reconsider some of our ideas about masturbation.
We are born and die sexual beings. Currently, Mormon teachings hold that sexuality should only be explored within marriage. However, the opportunity for marital sexuality only occurs during a particular period of adult life—if it occurs at all. A significant portion of one’s life may be spent in a situation where marital sexuality is not an option—and expected asexuality should not be considered a healthy alternative. In order to accommodate and even benefit the inherent sexuality of each of God’s children, we need to reframe our current conceptions of masturbation. Instead of casting it as a sinful, perverse, or degrading practice, we can see it as a God-created, self-regulatory system that can provide some of the benefits of sexuality for periods when we are not in a sexual relationship with another person.
Our sexual drive is a God-given process that leads most human beings to self-explore from an early age. This experimentation helps us get to know our own anatomy, develop a capacity for sexual fantasy, and self-soothe—all in preparation for sharing a sexual life with another person. The teaching of healthy masturbation could be used to help our teens and single adults learn to be sexually responsible, empowering them to learn about and control their sexual drives and cycles while owning their sexuality without shame. Masturbation could be seen as a legitimate way to meet one’s sexual needs while staying within religious sexual parameters and values.
There are many benefits associated with sexual release that are important to experience regardless of marital status. Sexual pleasure and orgasm have been linked to stress relief, pain relief (including menstrual cramping), hormonal regulation, the prevention of certain cancers, and the lowering of loneliness, depression, and anxiety levels.3 It can help women who struggle to reach orgasm in a relationship to find their sexual capacity. It can also help married couples manage libido differences and add variety to their sex lives. Plus it is the safest sex around—no unintended pregnancies, STDs, or harmful emotional repercussions. These are just some of the many positive results that come from the healthy use of masturbation.
It is true that, like any normal human activity, masturbation can become an unhealthy behavior. Eating, sleeping, and eliminating have a similar potential, but we don’t couch them as being sinful. If masturbation interferes with one’s daily functioning or the quality of one’s relationships, its use should be moderated. And certainly, I do not want to minimize the suffering of those who have struggled in a marriage where their spouse has withdrawn sexually in part because of an unhealthy masturbation habit. But I believe unnecessary masturbatory shame and unmet attachment needs are at the core of most of this unhealthy behavior to begin with—not masturbation itself. And the current fear-based rhetoric on this issue leads to spouses feeling unnecessarily threatened in their relationship.
At the time I wrote my initial blog post, I had not heard anything official over the pulpit on this topic for over 20 years, so I expressed my hope that Church leaders were stepping away from old teachings. Unfortunately, I have seen a recent re-trenching toward the old language of “self-abuse”—specifically by Tad R. Callister (now a member of the presidency of the Seventy) who spoke on the issue at a BYU-Idaho fireside. A version of his talk was then published in the Ensign.4 However, the Church has moved away from many of its early to mid 20th century stances (i.e. masturbation leads to homosexuality, insanity, etc.).5 The word “masturbation” has been taken out of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet6 and it no longer shows up in the official handbooks, leading me to believe that bishops should not be asking about masturbation in their interviews, and that one has a right to refuse to answer such questions.
During the past 17 years, I have spoken to numerous bishops, stake presidents, Relief Society presidents, and high councilmen attempting to piece together an official stance on this matter. The answers I received depended largely on which leader I approached and what their experience had been with their past leaders—all differing from one another.
This lack of unanimity gives rank-and-file members vastly different experiences depending on who their leaders are. For example, I know many men who have been kept from serving a mission for masturbating (even though they have kept a virginal sexual status), while for many others this has not been a problem. Oftentimes men are asked about masturbation in their interviews while women are not—expanding or contracting the options they might have for missionary and other types of service. I have come across a variety of members who view moderate masturbation as an “addiction” and are consequently employing recovery services and attending groups for correcting such behavior—often referred there by their ecclesiastical leaders. I’ve had numerous clients disclose that they are “cutting” (true self-abuse) due to their guilt over masturbation—again, usually virgins. Often Church members will frame any masturbation as problematic behavior.
All of this negativity has its roots in our current rhetoric around masturbation. In my experience, such rhetoric is emotionally and spiritually abusive and leads to negative psychological and sexual repercussions that are unnecessary and sometimes tragic.
As far as a temple recommend interview is concerned, its questions are simple, specific, and to be repeated just as they are written. The person interviewing you is not supposed to deviate from them. The one question that deals with sexuality is: “Do you live the law of chastity?” That’s it. No questions on how you follow it or whether or not you are masturbating. Furthermore, in the temple, “the law of chastity” is defined as covenanting to only have sexual relations with one’s spouse. “Sexual relations” is clearly stated in terms of relationship. Masturbation is an individual practice that only becomes relational once you’re married and establish sexual parameters with your spouse. A priesthood authority does not have the right to ask about masturbatory practice without due cause (i.e. if you have brought the issue up yourself). If an authority figure does ask such a question, it is a good opportunity to honor your own boundaries and say you are uncomfortable with their line of questioning. The lack of boundaries within Mormon interview culture, especially when it comes to sexuality, can lead to both intentional and unintentional ecclesiastical abuse.
The most important thing to consider in this situation is where your authority lies in all of this. How do you apply your spiritual principles and beliefs in regards to the choices you are making? For example, when someone speaks to me of the relief they felt after reading my blog post, I want to ask them where their trust is in their feelings and ability to discern truth. Where does the good fruit of the tree grow for them?
I don’t mean to blame the victim by any means. We live in a conservative religion that places much of its focus on outward behavior. So when we have questions, most of us expect to find solid, behavior-based answers. Unfortunately this often leads us to surrender our personal authority, and that authority is an important facet of healthy psychological and spiritual development. When approaching difficult questions, remember that nestled deep within Mormonism is the wonderful gem of personal revelation—of our individual relationship with God. Claim this truth; stake out your own path according to its direction. It may vary somewhat from the paths of those who walk alongside us, but trust yourself, trust in your unconditionally loving Heavenly Parents, trust in the atonement, trust in transcendence. Time and time again I witness good women and men in our church being blocked from a deeper relationship with the divine by what they deem a deviation from “appropriate behavior.”
Feelings of unworthiness usually come from two different sources:
- The appropriate pricks of guilt that follow behavior or thoughts which are harmful to self or others such as cheating, stealing, gossip, abuse, uncontrolled anger, or drug abuse.
- The inappropriate shame tied to either taboo cultural subjects of questionable “sinfulness” (i.e. an Amish woman caught wearing blue jeans) or past sinful behavior one has repented of but can’t self-forgive.
Guilt doesn’t always come from a healthy source. Our responsibility is to figure out when guilt is healthy—usually when it motivates us, propels positive lifestyle change, and draws us closer to God—and when it needs to be abandoned.
During a temple recommend interview, it is not your relationship with the bishop that is primary; it is your relationship with divinity. If you can feel good about yourself from a standpoint of eternal progression—meaning that you fall within a spectrum of imperfection while striving to move forward—then you are on the right track. If, in a context of prayer, meditation, and divine connection, you feel that your use of masturbation is a healthy, balanced means toward an eternal goal, continue.
Whether you agree or disagree with my position, I wish you well on the journey of making your own spiritual decisions and accepting yourself along the way. May you stretch toward a higher plane and cultivate a deeper connection with God in the process.
- Natasha Helfer Parker, “My Official Stance on Masturbation,” The Mormon Therapist, http://www.patheos.com/blogs/mormontherapist/2012/08/my-official-stance-on-masturbation.html (accessed 3 March 2015).
- “Masturbation,” HealthyChildren.org, http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/puberty/Pages/Masturbation.aspx (accessed 3 March 2015).
- “Masturbation,” Planned Parenthood, http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexuality/masturbation (accessed 3 March 2015).
- Tad R. Callister, “The Lord’s Standard of Morality,” Ensign, March 2014, https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/03/the-lords-standard-of-morality?lang=eng (accessed 3 March 2015).
- “Historical Development of Masturbation Attitudes in Mormon Culture: Silence, Secular Conformity, Counterrevolution, and Emerging Reform,” Sexuality & Culture, Fall 2005, Vol. 9, No. 4, pp. 80–127.
- “Purity,” For the Strength of Youth, https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/sexual-purity?lang=eng (accessed 3 March 2015).
One of the main problems with this view / thesis is that it ignores other 20th-21st century realities including the widespread and increasingly noxious corollary to masturbation: pornography. The exploitation and objectification, especially of women, inherent in pornography has an almost inevitable association with masturbation, as study after study shows… with consequences that can persist long after an individual enters a proper sexual relationship. There is no way to justify a position in favor of masturbation given the exceptional cost to individuals and society, especially girls and women, wrought by the porn industry. No one is naive enough to suggest that an individual can freely pursue masturbation and rest assured that addiction to porn is not immediately around the corner. And no one can reasonably argue that pornography isn’t a blight on individuals, families and society. The sexual exploitation of women is one of society’s greatest failings.
I disagree with K Jeffries- show me the data, not just a dismissive, anecdotal statement.
Masturbation is a way to become confident with one’s body and know better, what one likes, dislikes, etc. It also leads to less shame and self-loathing. Masturbation can allow for sexual feelings to be explored, and heck, I sleep way better after an orgasm. When I was single, it was a great way to put myself to bed. Natasha, thank you for such a great column and all the supporting data. I think we need to do another segment for Woman Evolving.
What you are saying here seems consistent with what Laura Brotherton said in her book “And they were not Ashamed.” I was blown away at the time that she was advocating self exploration and learning what felt good before marriage. She didn’t call it masturbation though which I found amusing at the time. I know that book is 10+ years old now so I am glad that discourse is continuing to evolve on the topic.
This is not biblical at all. I know that Mormon’s believe the bible, so I have to say that the error is in two parts. One, sex should take place between one man and one woman. If it is happening alone, then this is not the case. Also, masturbation usually coincides with thoughts. Most people who masturbate do not do so thinking about flowers. There are usually lascivious thoughts that come with it. The bible is very clear that if a man has committed adultery in his heart, than he has done it for real. The bible also states to think of things that are lovely, of a good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. I do not think that any of the thoughts that accompany masturbation fall in line with the thoughts that the bible has commanded us to think about. I am afraid, madam, that you are sorely mistaken. The reason people feel guilty is because they are feeling convicted of wrongdoing. For you to tell them that it isn’t wrong is incorrect, and you are leading people astray. You are also held accountable, according to biblical scripture for your teaching. I have to ask you, madam, are you prepared to stand before God for these statements on the day of judgement? If not, I would recant. If your teaching has lead someone else to commit a sin, then you, as a teacher are responsible. I would be very careful of telling anyone that something “they feel guilty” about is okay. If their conscience is pricking them, it is for a reason.
I personally disagree completely. Every word of this article, in my opinion, is a rationalization made to help the author combine worldly and spiritual ideas. But my personal opinion doesn’t exactly matter, it’s just something I wanted to make very clear. I hope that there is someone reading this who is confused, or feeling guilty because I feel like there was something missing from this whole thing. Guilt is not a bad thing, its purpose is not to destroy us, that is all Satan’s doing, he takes guilt which should help us turn to repentance and closer to God and comes from the Holy Ghost, and sends us down a path of self loathing and leads us further from God. Guilt is a gift reminding us that we are human, that we make mistakes, and that the place to turn is towards God, and the Atonement. Forgiveness is the greatest of all of God’s gifts and is never out of reach, NEVER! No, it is not easy, nor do I believe it should be. Nothing worth having is easy to gain. If you are reading this and you have made mistakes and feel guilt, or shame, don’t try to rationalize your actions to make yourself feel better, turn to God. If you aren’t ready to turn to your bishop, start with Prayer. Get on your knees and have an honest open conversation with God, spill your guts to Him, ask for the strength and courage to repent fully, and when you feel like His arms are embracing you and you feel strong because you know that God and the Savior are on your side, then go and talk with your bishop. He was called because he can help you continue the process and become completely clean and worthy to be in the presence of the Savior. If you disagree with my personal feelings on this one subject (masturbation) that’s fine, but know that guilt is not evil, but it can turn into something evil if you don’t address it’s purpose.
Fantastic, well researched and articulated article! This information is long over due, because Sexual repression, especially of Women, is so very wrong! The benefits of Masturbation far out weigh the negatives! Promoting healthy sexual relationships for both Women and Men should be the Churches priority, but instead they promote shame, guilt, repression etc.
Those who quote the Bible forget that imperfect, patriarchy Men, wrote and interpreted what they believed to be Gods will; such as: Women were “sexual property”! We Humans employ so many tactics to control and manipulate each other in all areas of life! If everyone learned to listen to their internal guide, spirit, compass, as you stated above, we would be happier and healthier and not experience guilt for exploring our sexuality
Thank you for breaking the silence on this subject!
It’s definitely a gray area. Here’s my take.
I’ve grown up in the church my whole life. I was in those Young Men’s Priesthood lessons where we read the old pamphlet talking about how our body is a factory. And we must not speed up the process of that factory.
I started to masturbate out of curiosity of my body. After those lessons, I felt much guilt, and shame. Didn’t want to socialize much with others, didn’t feel too worthy because of old views with regards to masturbation. I told my bishop about it, repented, and sinned no more. Served a mission, without falling back into the routine of masturbation.
Served an honorable mission, and upon my return, I met a wonderful woman whom I married in the temple. After we were married for a while, and I was young and in love. We had sex often.
As time passed, things died down. my wife got depression, and was put on antidepressant medicine which curbed her libido. Mine stayed the same. My wife could easily go weeks, even months without every feeling in the mood. We tried the rules, of at least once a week we will have sex. That worked until several children came into the picture.
We’ve been married for many year now, and have 3 children.
As the years have moved on, I’ve discovered things. There’s a lot of contention in our relationship when the topic of sex is approached. I’ll ask for it because its been a while, and she’ll say no. I understand men and women are different. My body will feel heavy, and anxious without sex. I don’t ask all the time. I’m considerate of her feelings, and mood. I try to let her get as much rest as possible, and tend to her needs. But her needs are much different than mine.
When we’re trying to have babies, we have sex very often. That’s great. but after that, it dies down. But my body is use to that level of sexual experiences.
I’ve been told that the church has no need to know what goes on in the bedroom.
My wife and I have discussed in the past about the idea of masturbation. Shes agreed that its not bad if she doesn’t feel in the mood. Unless it because a problem by taking me away from my other duties as a father.
Here’s my thought on the situation. If I hold out until my wife feels its OK to have sex, it could be weeks. Throughout that time my body still produces sperm. As that builds up, my body will automatically release the produced sperm. and I wake up in the mess and have defiled my garments which are holy also. I can ask her to give me a hand job if shes not in the mood and that’s OK.
If hand jobs are OK, and nocturnal emissions are OK, why isn’t it OK to easy release myself quickly where I wont be dirtying my garments? I don’t look at porn. I don’t fantasize of other women. Its not any more than a source of release for me. If my wife ever asks to have sex with me, which is very rarely, I’ve never denied her. Besides, I prefer having sex with my beautiful wife more anyways. I’d have sex with her any time over masturbation, but that’s just not something that interests her. There’s less contention which is following the Lords counsel. When I go to the temple, I don’t feel shame, or guilty. I feel the love from our Heavenly Father.
Research shows most married couples fight about sex and money. The church is very open about porn, and other addictions, but i haven’t heard recently anything specifically calling out masturbation.
I’ve prayed about it. I’ve asked for forgiveness about it. I’ve asked to help me with it, but I keep coming back to those three things. Nocturnal emissions are natural and OK, hand jobs are OK and not discussed, and the spirit of contention isn’t of the Lord.
Is masturbation really that bad?
Masturbation is a normal physiologic function and part of our sexual developmental process. It is adaptive and beneficial throughout various stages in the life course. The Mormon faith, which I grew up in, abnormally focuses on sex and crosses the boundary of sexual abuse which it enacts on its members by shaming them and causing them to feel sinful for engaging in perfectly normal physiologic functions. This shaming has negatively impacted many young men and women well into adulthood. On that note, pornography is not inherently bad or sinful either as visual stimulation and imagery is an important part of the male and to a lesser degree female arousal pathway. As with anything, compulsive masturbation or use of pornopraphy becomes a problem when it interferes with other important life tasks. It’s time to stop demonizing the practice of masturbation and use of pornography. I urge Mormons to reclaim responsibility for their sexuality and not relegate co tool to their bishops. Just imaging his much further ahead spiritually and self esteem wise many members would have been if they had not become victims of the sex negative messages and shaming enacted by their faith leaders. I am a physician and have personally witnessed the negative fallout time and time again experienced by true believing Mormons. Let’s all begin employing our own reason and intellect and not rely solely on blind faith.
After all these years, I still despise Mormonism with unquenchable passion because of its “policy” declaring masturbation a sin and a transgression. Yes, back in my days, the term most often used was “self-abuse.” I remember my sociology professor at BYU saying the Church was having some success with electric shock therapy to help members over come their sinful addiction to self-abuse.
Mormonism’s scars will always be with me. It’s not just Mormonism that creates an atrocious atmosphere of shame-based followers, but all religions. Luckily I’m able to announce I survived evil religion (millions and millions don’t) and for many, many years now I am of NO religion and I reject with joy all the false gods of man and that certainly includes the ones made up by Joseph Smith and the current sanctimonious LDS gods, apostles, prophets seers and revelators. Sadly, most humans are delusional and punish themselves with an insanely blind belief in destructive fairytales.
As a back-handed compliment, I guess you could say I have nothing to do with all religions thanks to Mormonism. So, in a way, Mormonism saved me from religion . . . and not being shackled with religion is really, really empowering indeed!
Given enough time (with necessary concomitant cultural pressures, of course) Mormonism might even give up its sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, ethnocentric “policies” too. Remember, it gave into cultural pressures regarding blacks and priesthood — first the pressure to BE racist and then the counter pressure to NOT BE racist. If I were to pray, I’d ask for religions to vanish. But since I don’t pray I’ll simply hope that mankind evolves away from its love affair with inane insidious destructive fairytales and embarks on a more compassionate humane and intelligent course. Not holding my breath though!
It’s so interesting to read the shaming comments of those who are still feeling so much guilt for being human beings. It’s sad, but not surprising considering the brainwashing one goes through in life at the hands of the opinions of others. Reading Sam’s and Rebecca’s comments, as an example, make me feel sad for them and those they have influence over. They don’t realize they are doing the work of the devil in shaming those who have healthy masturbation habits. How are they doing the work of the devil? Simply.
In the garden of Eden, male and female partook of the forbidden. They saw that it was good. It opened their eyes. While they knew they had partaken, they didn’t feel bad about it until when? When Lucifer pointed a finger of scorn at them and shamed them. That’s it. And, metaphorically, we spend the rest of our lives trying to remove from our lives that shame and scorn, to get back to the point we were supposed to be at: having our eyes opened, but not feeling guilt about it. Being accountable for our actions is one thing, feeling shame, guilt and the effects of the scorn of others isn’t part of being accountable except by the actions of another (Lucifer, in the garden story).
Personally, I’d rather just let people make discoveries on their own and come to their own conclusions. When my son was a toddler, he’d self-soothe with what was a form of masturbation, although he wasn’t cognizant of it, and that kid is the purest, most loving guy I know. Anyone who would make him feel guilt and shame over it can go to hell. 🙂
Thanks to the shaming of Mormonism’s idocy I have become a completely satisfied hater of all gods and religions. If it hadn’t been for the evil inherent in Mormonism as well as in all religious fairytales, I’d probably still be brainwashed into believing such trash! If any of man’s created gods are real, I cannot wait for the chance to meet them and kill them with my bare hands! An eternal life of killing gods would truly be Heaven to me.
Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. Pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can be clean and virtuous. The Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from one who is in sexual transgression.
For the Strength of Youth.
What did Adam say to the angel when he asked him about the sacrifices he was making?
If we use the logic in some of the answers above, it is also fine to drink a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, doctors say it is good for our bodies, don’t they?
I prefer to obey, question my doubts before questioning my beliefs.
Anyways, if the Spirit is telling you do do so, then do it. But remember, IF!!!!
Daniel, as far as I can tell, it WAS the spirit promoting her to pleasure herself. People should employ their intellect and not relegate common sense to “the spirit”. I would not accept a god who would get all bent out of shape for me pleasuring myself through masturbation, or banish me to eternal damnation for enjoying a cup of coffee. Masturbation is a natural, normal, physiologic function which helps us learn about our body’s sexual response. There is nothing wrong or unhealthful with coffee or a glass of wine in moderation. There is no sound basis for their prohibition. It sounds like you have discharged your discernment and intellectual faculties to “the Holy Spirit”…good luck with that.
Sorry a pseudonymn. I’m still a bit in the closet about becoming an atheist. I was UNFORTUNATELY raised in the Mormon Insanity, and stuck with it for far too long. I was one of those who was permanently damaged by being stamped into the mold of Mormon’s “sexuality.” Actually it should be called sexual repression and psychological abuse.
I’ve recently been exploring my personal sexuality with masturbation. What I found most interesting was one time when I had the most intense spiritual experience I’ve ever had. I was for one of the few times in my life I was totally sexually satiated and content, and I was so at peace, I felt a deep connection with the world. Mormons would call it a peace that surpasses all understanding. I was always promised this would occur in the temple, but it never did. Had it occurred in the temple or while I was praying for guidance I’d have stood up in fast and testimony meeting and spoke of the great love god had for me and how the spirit had manifest this love to me so vividly. Somehow, I don’t think they’d welcome this testimony. But, just the thought of it is quite amusing, as were the mental gymnastics of the author to try to introduce sanity into the bizare and truely insane world of the Mormons.
One of my joys that I am especially thankful for is my unquestionable divine hatred of all religions. Thanks to the religions of the world I’ve never lacked for a hate object ever. Thank you all religions . . . and that of course most definitely includes Mormonism. I don’t believe in any God of any kind but I’m convinced there is a Devil and its name is RELIGION!!!
There is a lot of speculation as it relates to masturbation being a sin or transgression. Masturbation is a common indiscretion there is no scriptures in the Bible or Book of Mormon against masturbation. How do we determine truth? Pres. Harold B. Lee said,”“All that we teach in this Church ought to be couched in the scriptures. It ought to be found in the scriptures. We ought to choose our texts from the scriptures. If we want to measure truth, we should measure it by the four standard works, regardless of who writes it. If it is not in the standard works, we may well assume that it is speculation, man’s own personal opinion; and if it contradicts what is in the scriptures, it is not true. This is the standard by which we measure all truth”
I’ve felt so guilty about masturbation that when sex left my marriage, I sought out a stranger and let him have his way with me instead of meeting my own needs, because of the shame and guilt I feel over masturbation. Because of the shame, it was easier for me to let someone else do that “bad thing” to me than masturbating.
I’ve also turned into an alcoholic to numb myself from having those “sinful” feelings. I’m 46 years old female. I quit living years ago because of this misery. I only exist anymore.
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